Bible Passages Explained In Modern Language

I’m not bashing Christianity or any other religion, believe in whatever you want, it’s your choice, you’re free to choose. I for, example, believe that my dog is my god. Think about it, we feed them, groom them, pamper them, take them for a walk, pick up their shit! Something I wouldn’t do even for my own kids, cater to their every need, stroke them, brush them, do anything for them, unconditionally. If that’s not the description of a god then I don’t know what is. I know a lot of fervent Christians that are more devout to their dogs than to their god.

This is just me having a little fun. Try not to be offended.

Here is a very good article about things that might be “wrong” with Christianity

I’ve taken the bible passages from this article for convenience sakes, but really it could apply to any part of the bible.

Why hasn’t the bible been updated? Because it’s the word of God I hear you say, but, surely, if it were translated into a bit more modern speak more people would understand it, isn’t that the whole point?

Anyway, here are a couple of bible passages translated to modern speak.

The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the blazing furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Translation: Jesus will get pissed and send some badass dudes to kick ass, every asshole is gonna get whacked. They’ll burn, and there will be a lot of bitching.

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

Translation: basically, you’re all fucked. Just thinking about a woman means you committed adultery, which is a capital sin, you’re going straight to hell. Ladies, you think you’re safe? Think again, jealousy is also a big no-no, straight to hell with you too. Just don’t chop off your body parts, it’s not meant to be taken literally, it means try not to be such a pervert.

Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy all that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.

Translation: these mother fuckers pissed me off good. Wipe them off the face of the earth, that’s right, I’m telling you to commit sanctioned genocide. Oh, and make sure you kill the women, children and even their fucking pets! Did I mention they pissed me off?

“Truly I tell you, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”

Translation: I’ll be right back. (Voy a lleva a la jeba y vengo).

For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God; and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and thus we shall always be with the Lord.

Translation: God is coming down to play a gig; it’s going to be filled with fucking zombies! People will fly.

If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.

Translation: move to a hippie commune. If you can’t find one, move to a communist country.

But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Translation: don’t get married! You’ll inevitably commit adultery.

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.

Translation: get a good Swiss bank account where people can’t steal your shit.

Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says.

Translation: take your wife to church often, it’s the only peace and quiet you’ll ever get!

Then Jesus said to his host, “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”

Translation: your friends suck. You’re better off with a bunch of strangers.

Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result, but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property.

Translation: beat your lazy-ass slaves within an inch if their lives to avoid getting punished.

Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.

Translation: buy your slaves from your neighbor, you’ll get better quality. Jewish slaves are the worst.

For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.

Translation: women were put on this earth to serve you, make sure they know that.

I could go on and on, but I’m out of time. Hope you had a laugh.